Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like."

"I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say."